Golf club
Right in front of me
My enemy white and rounded
The dimples glare in the shining sun
The green land beyond me is my target
Wanting to avoid the trees
The round thing stares at me not moving
I watch it
Never taking my sight off it
I know what I have to do
Pull back and smash it
It soars through the air
I am quite proud
Can’t wait until next time
In this poem I am trying to make the reader be in the eyes of a golf club. I wan the reader to feel how much the club wants to hurt it.
Dad
My amazingly great dad
Basketball skills are pretty sad
He misses his shots
He still thinks he’s hot
The jump
My friend, enemy
I speed off it and I soar
This time it is my friend
When I am saying that it is my friend or enemy it means I am landing or falling.
Boys in the Hall
They walked miles and miles in boots and shoes
To wipe out poverty, no time to lose
Where was the fairness?
They marched for awareness
Sad situations upon which to muse
4 comments:
this is a gret poem because you incoporated a real-life ecperience into it
try to get rid of the air words though, there's quite a few. It will make the poem more succint and more enjoyable
about your dad poem you should use more descriptive lines unlike sad and hot, this may mean chaning other lines for rhymes.
get the rid of the air words (jump poem),
this is your best poem, it's incredible. I can't see anything to change.
Great poems Luke
You really can feel the golf club in poem 1.
I don't really get the jump I think it means that as you takeoff it's your enemie as you land it's your friend. if so make it more clear, if only in the explination, makes you think thats good
Golf club poem is really strong but i would try to get rid of some air words
"The dimples glare in the shining sun The green land beyond me is my target"
could be
"Dimples glare in the shining sun green beyond is my target"
other than a few air words it is excelent
I think that your stongest poem is "boys in the hall"
It is a limerick and it can be very hard to use real meaning in a limerick but you did it sucessfully
no line stands out as being "useless"
keep up the good work
adam
We know you want to avoid the trees. If you know golf at all, you know that. Nice, not too many air words.
baumer
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